My gosh this world’s confused isn’t it? I was listening to an audio book and the content was around being human. It was said like … “I admit I’m human. I’ll get on stage and I share this but I also fall apart on some days. I talk about connection, but I can also have a go at my husband before bed at night because he loves me and I know he can handle it.” Does being human mean I don’t have to take emotional responsibility?
I watch people trying so hard to succeed, to build a following, to get sales. Making sure they look like they’ve got their shit together…here I am with it all figured out, so you need to come get some of what I’ve got. And maybe they have … but sometimes it doesn’t FEEL authentic. It seems there is a lot of effort and energy being expended holding it all together, trying to make things work.
Then there’s the new look of posting. You know the one where you look like you haven’t got your shit together. They call this being real. Telling me your struggles, how f’d up you are. How you want to help me, yet telling me you’re struggling too. I don’t know how I feel about that. Is it another marketing tactic or is it your authentic self? And how can I trust you to lead me if you haven’t figured out how to lead yourself yet?
All of this leaves me with a feeling. Firstly, I too am human … neither perfect or imperfect, a work in progress, ever expanding towards a better version of myself. Do I have to tell you that I’m a mess to prove that I’m someone you can relate to? Do I have to share with you certain behaviours so you’ll relate better to me, feel less insecure and more connected? If I tell you I argue with my partner at night every now and then, does it make you feel more comfortable? What if I shared with you that arguments, venting, walking on eggshells were not a part of my reality? Would you want some of that or would you feel like you couldn’t relate to me? Would you think less of me or would you want to get to know me?
I don’t mean to make you feel UNcomfortable asking these questions … but truly can we stop??
Let’s not have to conjure up some shitty experiences, show every flaw, so we can all feel ok with each other. (Is it just me or does this feel a little dysfunctional to you too?) We are connecting on a premise that really doesn’t help any of us. This is using our WOUNDS to connect, not our gifts, our aspirations, our dreams. I know it might feel comfortable, more comfortable. It might make you feel less insecure about yourself momentarily. But if you could put your ego aside for a moment, and be present…
I have made that decision for me. To know myself, is to understand my heart. To understand my heart is to be totally ok with me. I can be present with myself in this moment, however I turn up, without giving it any meaning. My ego wants me to identify with my flaws, my successes. My ego keeps me trying to get better, to connect. It makes life much easier, when you’re already connected to you. There’s no more trying, being something you’re not or hidden agendas.
It’s about not taking myself too seriously, but being serious about being the best version of me. Which means, I don’t accept behaviour in myself that creates disconnection or division with the ones I love – because that doesn’t serve either of us. It is not justifying certain behaviors because I’m ‘human’. For me, its not ok to vent at my husband, creating friction … just because I know he can handle it and won’t take it seriously (if I had a husband – which I don’t at the moment!) Being ‘human’ does not mean I get to offload responsibility for my behaviour. It does not mean I make you responsible for how I feel inside.
“Ahh, sorry I shouted at you (for the tenth time) I’m human and feeling stressed”. Well… be a grown up and deal with the stress and don’t expect me to wear it, will you?
Yes. Accept your human-ness, allow a fudge factor. But be aware of the times your behaviour separates and creates division … that’s when you have the most wonderful opportunity to ‘replay’ in a way that truly serves you and your relationships. Emotional responsibility and compassion first, because I’m sure most of us are doing the best we can, given the emotional upbringing we’ve had.
Sarah is confident and outgoing, her friend Belinda invited her out along with another friend, Julie. Things were going great for the first 10 minutes and Sarah noticed a distinct change in Julie. Julie was feeling threatened because Belinda seemed to be enjoying her company so much. Julie was feeling insecure and not good enough, comparing herself to Sarah. Her head was full of all kinds of judgements about Sarah – what she was wearing and how snooty she was.
Human nature? Or lack of emotional accountability? Was Julie making Sarah responsible for her own insecurities?
Mel was building her business, she was networking with as many people as possible. Although friendly, she was always looking for an angle to sell herself and her services. Her radar was always up for what she could get. She was a member of a women’s networking group and was doing her best to get in with the ‘in’ crowd – it seemed those women were pushing each others businesses, looking after each other. Even though they spoke openly about inclusiveness and support … their actions seemed to be giving a different message. Is this human nature? Or lack of emotional responsibility? Mel was running an agenda and she wanted to be accepted. Was Mels’ inner teenager running her show? With her head on the results, she never truly had the opportunity to be present and connect authentically.
So let’s stop. Let’s take emotional responsibility so we can be who we were born to be. Let’s look at each other as another aspect of the same humanity … with compassion and understanding. Let’s get curious about each other, learning from each other… without trying to ‘one up’ each other, be better than, more spiritual, more together, more, well just more. Because that’s our wound playing out and when I’m in my wound I can’t access my greatest gifts, which sit there waiting for me to claim, express and own every single day of my life. All I have to do is stop identifying with all my wounds and instead consciously reach for and live through my gifts. Then celebrate those amazing gifts in others, by creating a space where they can freely express their gifts feeling safe to do so without criticism, judgement or silent exclusion.
This is love in action.