Let’s get real.
If I’m a Mum, believing in and giving my power away to guilt, there’s a huge part of me not here to be present and connected to my child. I’m not saying it’s wrong or bad, I AM suggesting it doesn’t serve you if your intention is to create a sense of coherence, connection and emotional safety. My role as a guide into unlocking the deep intuitive knowing of feminine wisdom every Mama contains, is to shine a light on why Mama-guilt could be a ‘thing’ in your life and give you what you need to break free of the pattern and reclaim your true mama power.
Why mama guilt is a thing.
When I deeply felt into guilt, I realised 2 things.
- It was a way for me to objectify a feeling I didn’t know how to deal with, process or resolve
- It kept me from dealing with, processing or resolving that feeling that was in the way of me feeling at ease, empowered and connected. Ie it kept me from being PRESENT in my own life and with my family.
As long as I affirm, speak to and tell my friends about mama guilt, I am giving more reality to it’s existence as an actual thing. I am creating a truth out of something that is NOT true and this keeps me distracted from what IS true (aka, I have the power to CHANGE this situation). In essence, it is another way, many of us, as women, submit to powerlessness over our situation – that is, we are allowing our conscious (and freaking divine!) presence to be hijacked by the concept of guilt, affirming we are less than, not enough, have to be better or more than what we are.
I was not immune to mama guilt.
I’ve had 4 kids and fairly consistently felt like I was stuffing up as a Mum with my first 3. I had a belief that if I did not ‘Mama’ well, my kids would be ruined forever. The cracks started to appear when I realised that was a (be) LIE (f). There were heaps of people and experiences and choices in between where my kid was now and their future. Hello!! It was not all on me, I could relax.
Then I started to see how the guilt itself, was manipulating the way I showed up. I was less sure of myself, over giving, over responsible and ineffective in my communication. I noticed it drove me to place myself at the bottom of the priority list and the more I did that, the less self love I felt and the more guilt I ‘owned’. Guilt had become a manifestation of what I came to recognise as abandonment of self.
By owning and taking responsibility for my actions, I’d be less likely to feel guilt. However, somewhere along the line. I
- did things I wanted to do, but couldn’t admit to wanting to do, because they didn’t align with what I thought I should be or what was acceptable or
- didn’t do things I believed I should be doing and couldn’t OWN that I didn’t really want to do those things
I had to feel guilty to punish myself, affirm I wasn’t good enough, stop myself from taking responsibility for my actions … ahh the tangled web I was weaving to keep showing myself how powerless I was.
Hopefully, I have established in your mind and heart there is no wholesome purpose to guilt and in fact, it steers you further away from your ‘whole’some purpose. I would be a crappy guide if I were not able to steer you onto the right path after pointing out where NOT to go, so …
As a powerful creator of your own reality AND nurturer of children and a family system… can I suggest:
- each time you sense a pang of guilt, remind yourself it serves no helpful purpose and
- Look for what the feeling is underneath that triggered the guilt …am I feeling not good enough, that I haven’t shaped up? Am I am feeling powerless, useless, inept, out of control???
- See these feelings as emotional NEEDS you have and meet those needs. If I’m feeling powerless, what do I need to do to take back my power? If I’m not feeling enough, recognise that’s a childhood wound playing out, then look for how you can ADD love to your situation.
Then make a choice to OWN your choices or make a different choice. If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, accept it – but don’t feel guilty about it, look for where you can empower yourself within it. It starts with you believing in yourself as a powerful creator of your own experience and taking action – even itsy, bitsy actions.
If you’re working, you’re responsible for that choice. If you need to work to pay the mortgage you’re responsible for that choice too. If you don’t feel your partner is helping enough, so there’s no time left for the kids, why did you choose that partner? (I’m actually suggesting it’s important to investigate what it is, in you, that has chosen and accepted the situation you’re in? Until you deal with that, you’ll just get more of the same).
I’m not meaning to be cruel.
I share this, because I discovered this way of thinking about my life was THE way to getting the life I yearned for. I worked out, while ever I was blaming others for my situation, I was giving away my power. I had to put my big girl pants on and own my choices because this also meant I could take back my POWER.
We, as women are not powerless.
We, as women have no cause to feel guilt over being true to ourselves, because owning all that we are, all our choices is how we teach our children to be true to themselves and live an honest, fulfilling and authentic life. As a sidenote, this is not a forced or efforted feeling… it’s not a fight. It’s not a “F%$! you, I’ll do what I want”. It IS the beauty of being able to sit with all that you are, with ease and grace, knowing that by doing so, you are fulfilling your true purpose – to BE here, now. That’s what creates coherence and a Mother in coherence, fosters coherence in her children and when 2 or more individuals are in coherence, harmony is created which influences the people and things around them.
So, if there is something that does not sit well with you, don’t feel guilty. Do something about it. Either figure out what the feeling is underneath or determine an alternative action that is calling for you to take it. USE it to take back your power, then be done with it.
Life needs you to be you. Life is calling you to step into your greatest potential – being the most YOU, you can be. Unapologetically free.
Sending love, Lisa x
LISA JAYNE is an Author, Speaker and Thought-leader guiding women to reclaim their feminine power and live powerfully present in their own lives. She facilitates workshops, regular Heart Hubs and works with individuals ready to liberate themselves from emotional bondage. Her next workshop is at Morning Light Studios, Bokarina on the Sunshine Coast, November 30th, 2024.