What is the one thing most women do early on in a relationship that could be the catalyst for years of friction, playing small and holding back the words that she really wants to speak?
Diving in too deep, too early.
Of all the women I’ve worked with there has been a common theme around the relationships that haven’t worked or are not working. They committed too soon. Imagine here you are, madly in love with Mr ‘I think he’s the one’. You have literally handed him your heart on a platter and he, with all the gushiness of new love, seems to be caring for it. He brings his toothbrush with him on your third date and starts to stay over more often. You love it because you feel so connected and warm and loved up.
You notice a few red flags, but his toothbrush is here. If you pay too much attention, the toothbrush will go and so will your heart. Remember he has it in HIS pocket. Uh-oh. Nahhh, it ‘ll be fine. He’ll take care of it.
He loves me.
He doesn’t turn up when you expect. Or won’t answer his phone. You start to feel uneasy. You try to call him and get him to bring your heart back. He comes over to use his toothbrush and he moves in. Ahhh you’re safe now. He’s here for good. The red flags start showing up more often. You don’t say anything. The stakes are too high. He has your heart and if he leaves he will take it with him. You settle for what you get. You justify what you see. You might try to work it out, but he won’t talk about it. He won’t even talk about talking about it. You have no hope of progressing the situation, because you don’t have your intuitive, courageous, heart power – he has that. In his pocket.*
You get married, you buy a house, get a dog and then have kids.
The stakes are soooo high now, that any red flags are part of the décor.
There are so many things that frustrate you, things you feel resentful about…but it’s too late. There’s too much at risk and it’s too scary to change. You cycle between love on, love off, as your self-esteem chips away and your relationship flatlines. It’s habit. Not growth.
Then one day, you realise you don’t know who you are anymore. You stopped being that person who had something to say, feelings of passion and purpose. You have forgotten about your heart, handed over many years ago to the care of another who didn’t know how to look after his own heart.
That thing you have felt is missing, the ‘not quite right’ that you can feel just under the level of your conscious awareness is your missing heart. You decide to take it back even though the collateral damage will be huge. You are compelled to act.
But imagine if you just didn’t let him leave his toothbrush in the first place?
If you held onto your heart for a bit longer. If you knew how to master your emotions and transmute the loneliness so you didn’t dive in too deep and abandon yourself. What if, you took your time? Made conscious decisions, created a space where trust was BUILT and mature communication established. Yes, there’s a risk, he may leave. Phew. Lucky you didn’t settle for that one. Dodged a bullet there. (And left a space for someone better).
I know. It’s controversial. But with the right emotional tech, it’s very do-able. It means you become the person your perfect partner is attracted to. It means you’ve already worked out how to communicate BEFORE you commit. It means that you are in the relationship for the connection, growth and intimacy NOT necessarily the long term. Although it’s more likely to be long term with those great foundations.
Oh, and don’t let him use your toothbrush. That’s gross.
Want to upgrade your emotional tech? Check out my mini classes – there’s a heap that provide practical, actionable emotional tech for right here and now. And they’re only $33 each! Yours forever.
* NOTE: ‘He’ could very well be a ‘She’. I am inclusive and this scenario applies to everyone that has not upgraded their emotional technology. None of this means they’re bad people – but without the right emotional operating system these dynamics are inevitable.