There are times in my life when I’ve felt touched by an invisible hand as it’s reached out to guide me in a certain direction. I recall so vividly the feeling of knowing I had to leave my first husband. The feeling in my body was so overwhelming, there was no question. Of course, I felt dread … how could I tell him? What would I say to my children? My parents? My friends? But the knowing in me was stronger than the fear that was trying to hold me back. I surrendered to it and within a few days had been offered a fully furnished apartment free of charge until I no longer needed it.
Then more recently, feeling that invisible hand reach out again and call me to move. To leave my Mother, my older daughter and one of my sons behind – even though we were all so close. I went. Just picked up and left. Again I was provided with a home and some part time work to supplement my income while I establish my business on the Sunshine Coast.
And yet, with this undeniable evidence, it’s been so hard to surrender to this invisible hand in my everyday life. It seems crazy that it’s been easier to let it lead me in massive life changing decisions, yet almost impossible to give up my daily control. Why am I determined to drive things, to try and make things happen, to chase and take constant action? Why have I been writing lists I never get to? Why do I keep signing up for free masterclasses I never attend (or even get the time to replay)? Surely I’d feel so much more freedom without this behaviour.
I’ve decided to change. My mind and my spirit are willing, but it feels to me as if my body holds me back. I wondered if there was fear trapped in my body, below the level of my consciousness. Fear of complete surrender, letting go, allowing life to take me by the hand and lead me. Fear that if I didn’t keep trying I would be a failure, not good enough, of no value. Fear that was imprinted from a culture where I had to grab life by the balls and make things happen. Where if I didn’t work and be seen to be working at it, I was disapproved of and judged. Lazy. A no hoper. At my age, I should be getting a move on!
I’m remembering my last partner – we were always in this dream of what was coming, this trust of the universe – that we would be looked after. Law of attraction mindset without the practical reality. Always believing an abundance of money would show up. The thing was, we weren’t being responsible for the now, so it didn’t work out. We were always struggling to make ends meet and it was the most financially stressful period of my life.
I let go and trusted then, but it didn’t work out. So what’s the difference?
I can’t give you a definitive answer to that question because I’m still working by trial and error (Lol!). Maybe it’s timing. Maybe it’s the fact that before there was a level of disempowerment within me – where I’d given my power to my partner and trusted his lead, before trusting myself. My bells of calamity were ringing deep down inside, calling me to step up, calling me to take more responsibility. Calling me to see the red flags – which the little girl in me kept me blind to.
Now it FEELS different. My surrender is a visceral thing… although my body’s resistance is still melting, I can feel an openness that comes from my solar plexus. I have acquiesced to where life wants me to be … I’m willing to go anywhere the invisible hand leads me. Say yes to what it brings to me – even if the voice in my head says No. Really anywhere. I test myself in my head. What if I end up in a piggery? There’s a deep acceptance that there would be purpose there for me. What if I’m about to die? Again, I imagine what it would feel like in that moment and bring myself into acceptance. My purpose is to do what life asks of me, to serve by bringing whatever gifts I have developed through my experiences to each moment in presence. I notice whenever I get off myself and focus on how I can support others, surrender is easier. It’s not a whimsical giving up, letting go, or being a doormat to the needs of others, but rather it feels like an inwardly powerful commitment of my conscious will. There’s nothing weak about it.
I’m in the greatest experiment there is. Challenging myself every moment to remember the feeling of the invisible hand of life living through me, as it’s done in the past. Willing myself to recall how perfectly it orchestrated past events, so I don’t jump back into self focus and try to control the outcomes of my actions, but rather deliberately choose to stay in the unfolding process of my own evolution, as a very small part of an infinite whole.
My best efforts have not got me very far externally, (the opposite is true internally – the pain has totally driven exponential inner progress). I figure at this stage of my life, I haven’t got much to lose! They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. The way I see it, when I look back at my life, I’ve always received the greatest gifts when I allowed the invisible hand to lead me. I’m going to commit to that and I’ll let you know where I go!
LISA JAYNE is an Emotions Specialist, Author and Speaker, helping people understand how to work with the way they feel to communicate freely and effectively, remove the repetitive loops in their relationships and unlock their truest potential. To contact her email: email@example.com