I really enjoy the company of men and lately more than ever, I’ve been very concerned for this love of mine. After watching the documentary the Red Pill, I learnt some facts around men that left me with a feeling. Like, why is it the men have to stay behind on the boats when the ship’s going down? Men are primarily called to war (a ‘program’ of heroism, that’s often not questioned) and the statistics for male deaths on the job is frightening. Maybe like me, you thought it was logical for men, with their strength, resilience and fortitude, to have traditionally slipped into these roles. I had not considered the message being sent to men is that they are disposable.
I work with a lot of men and I have observed some common themes. After doing what they believe to be ‘the right thing’, working hard to build businesses and careers, they get where they wanted to be and … there’s something missing. They have the nice house, happy children, good holidays and that all works for awhile. Then it seems a slowly moving dark cloud appears on their horizon – a cloud they choose not to notice, until it has embedded itself inside of them. “I felt empty, a void. I had everything but felt so dark inside and it kept getting worse.”
I should imagine, if I was a man, I might feel confused, sad, lost and alone.
I know that void – the missing piece that might grip the heart of woman or man, without preference. And maybe that’s not what’s bothering me. Underneath the facts and figures, what I’ve observed is people using those facts and figures to build a rhetoric that upheld a ‘side’. There is no doubt the ‘wounds’ are there, the problems, the issues, the discrimination … it’s a funky old world for both sexes. But the WAY we deal with what we are feeling seems to me, to create more problems.
I noticed a theme (another theme) of separation. Us versus them. If I’m advocating for men, does that mean I will be confronted by a narrative that I’m not advocating for women? Does it mean I will be ‘persecuted’ for my sentiments? and is that persecution the manifestation of one’s mistrust, resentment or blame? Resentment and blame: feelings that affirm ‘I’m a victim of circumstance’ – an attitude I do not condone, as it holds me powerless and without capacity to change my situation. I know many of life’s experiences can suck. I‘ve definitely had my share. But I’d like to invite you to think differently …
As humans we have the potential to get lost in the event of what’s happening and, feeling powerless, start to blame and throw stones. Almost as if, any emotional pain is our excuse to villify another. To gather all the pain bubbling away inside and throw it at outwards, at someone or something. Of course, this sidesteps the real issue – long lasting solutions aren’t found that way. I learnt this lesson when I was having a go at a past partner for not doing as much of the child work as me. I was so resentful. He said, “I can’t support you when you’re firing bullets at me”. No one had taught me that. I came to see the bullets I was shooting were driven by a deep emotional need in me, I was holding him responsible for meeting.
But I digress, as this is about men. If I was a man, I might be wondering what to do next – where my place is in all that’s unfolding. Knowing men, as much as one woman can, I’d suspect there might be many unanswered questions, replaying in a man’s mind. Questions like … What do I even SAY to someone to get help? Who would understand me? How can I understand me? Why am I so f*&^ing angry? How can I stop thinking about the years I’ve wasted working, when maybe I could have been more present? What happened to my sex life? Do they still love me? How am I supposed to BE?
One thing I know, men are good at making things look ok. They’re good at getting up and soldiering on, showing up for a drink and a joke with their mates. I should imagine if I was a man, I’d look at other men and assume it was just me that felt all screwed up inside.
Why can’t I feel anything?
It’s an interesting phenomenon that sometimes when you feel so much, you end up feeling nothing. Numbness is born to cover up shame, guilt, overwhelm having to deal with the belief you may be broken. I understand that. If my traditional role was to be strong, responsible – a warrior, who in past generations could go to war and face an enemy, go down with a sinking ship, or valiantly fight a fire, I wouldn’t quite know my next step. I’m armoured up, to be the protector, to keep us safe and now you’re telling me I need to de-amour to fit in. For many men, the pressure to keep providing, to keep going means stopping to take a breath and reassess is not an option. There is no time to try out new things, when you hold so much responsibility. I should imagine even thinking like that would bring up a huge amount of fear and uncertainty. I mean who would you be if you weren’t working, earning money, providing. Thoughts of change, foster uncertainty which can cripple any light of hope that may emerge on your horizon.
As a woman, I’d ring up some friends and sit around at coffee balling my eyes out and sharing my feelings about my identity crisis. My friends would ring up and check on me, and I’d give myself some time to feel. We all have ideas about who we should be and fears about what would come if we changed. We all. Men and women both. I wonder how we could find the understanding and compassion to support each other through it, without blaming the other for their part in it?
You know that void inside?
That hole of darkness? The sadness and despair? Where does it sit? When one of my clients used those words to me, he was pointing to his heart. “My heart’s just not in it” – have you heard that saying? What if, when I’m looking at my life and what’s not right, I started looking in. What if, the solution to how I feel is not so far away, or illusive to find? What is it, to start, you’re doing for your own heart – what things do you do that feel nurturing, nourishing, loving for you? Do you take time for yourself? Can you take some time to get to know what it is YOU need and like? Who would you be if you weren’t busy being who you think you should be?
I wonder what would happen if by default, men and women, spent as much time listening to their own feelings as they did to others. What if, a feeling was more like morse code, sent by the body to inform you something’s not right. A code to say there’s something INSIDE that needs your attention (an emotional need). What if, feelings aren’t bad, or something to resist, but innate intel prompting you to look for where you’re not engaging your heart in your own life. Your heart isn’t mushy … it’s a source of strength, clarity, openness and when it’s involved in all you do, you feel full and complete, present in your own life. When your heart’s in it, you feel connected to others, because you’re connected to yourself. Your purpose, passion and creative potential ignites. When your heart’s in your life, you feel a sense of wellness, of self love and compassion, it feels warm and light.
Perhaps if you’re struggling, right now, your head is too involved. I’ve noticed the more I develop my heart qualities, the less my head chatters – it’s job is to fix, but when my heart’s full, there’s much less to fix. What are your feelings saying to you? Where are you expecting too much or giving with conditions? Where did you abandon you to keep them happy or try to control an outcome? Take a moment if you can, before anger erupts, write down what you’re feeling. A client shared that doing this helped him see how his anger let everyone off the hook and got in the way of actually being able to do something about his situation. Interesting observation!
I really hope this is good news for the future of men.
It’s a bit scary, breaking down paradigms, thought structures and systematic control, to find meaning and substance. I’ve always found it way more painful as a ‘victim of circumstance’. As I’ve chosen to see every challenge as an opportunity, I’ve come to know myself – to discover where I can take back my personal power. Truly, this is an exciting time for men (and women) because now, relationships have the chance to be what I believe they were always meant to be – dynamic processes of growth, potential, connection and mutual understanding. Once we get comfortable with what’s not familiar, I wonder if we’ll finally get a chance to discover what it’s like to be human, navigating life on life’s terms with joy and wild abandon. Maybe not wild abandon … perhaps that’s over the top.
Whatever we’re going through, I’d like to suggest, where men are at and where women are too, it’s more importantly an opportunity for us to decide to focus on the similarities, using it to grow. The other alternative is to let it be the very thing that gets in between you and me. Powerful, healthy connection is the fuel that helps co-create a world we’d all be happy to live in.
Sending love,
Lisa
If you need support, schedule a call to work out your next step and if you live on the Sunshine Coast, consider checking out The Journey Men – just take a peek!