From People Pleaser to Self Lover
You probably have noticed all the information on people-pleasing available and are likely to know a LOT about it. It’s also likely you’ve tried to hard to stop people pleasing patterns but still find yourself saying YES when you want to say no, or staying mute when you really want to speak up.
“WHY do I do it?” a friend of mine pleaded with me, “I’ve done it again!” Perhaps you beat yourself up about it afterwards too and vow to never do it again … until next time you seek external validation and see it only in hindsight. I’ve experienced this and also know it’s a common phenomenon – almost like a curse placed upon us at birth!
I joke about that, but perhaps it’s not far from the truth. Many of us were raised to people please (watching our parents and being instructed by them in certain behaviours), training ourselves to people please to keep our parents happy and accepting us (ensuring our safety and survival). Then, as if that’s not enough, people pleasing behaviour is constantly affirmed in our tv shows and movies as the ‘way’ to be. Many of us have had a program to people please passed on to us intergenerationally. These patterns may lay deep within our DNA and have been part of our lineage for generations. Societal conditioning and values keep people pleasing behaviour alive through guilt, obligation, shame and coercion, so there’s little wonder many of us feel like we are powerless.
Trapped within a matrix of programming, many of us don’t feel comfortable people pleasing, but it’s familiar. This familiarity makes it a hard crutch to cast aside – and even more difficult when we’re unaware of an alternative. What does it look like NOT to people please? What would happen to our relationships? People-pleasing behaviours are potentially at the root of overwhelm, stress, anxiety, and other mental health issues. When we look closely – you might notice, people pleasing is the opposite of self loving…the more I please others and walk away from myself, the less I am here for me. And that’s the greatest danger of them all.
Understanding People Pleasing
What is a People Pleaser
A people pleaser is someone who consistently puts others’ needs and desires above their own, often sacrificing their own well-being in the process. People pleasers tend to be overly accommodating, agreeable, and self-depreciating, prioritizing others’ expectations and demands over their own wellbeing. This behavior often is driven by unconscious emotional needs, such as validation and acceptance. It fosters low self-esteem, fear of rejection and/or a desire to avoid conflict, which compound the.people pleasing cycle.
Imagine always saying yes to every request, even when you’re exhausted, or agreeing to plans that you have no interest in, just to keep the peace. People pleasers often find themselves overcommitting, overhelping, and overaccommodating others, while neglecting their own needs, feelings, and desires. This builds up feelings of overwhelm, resentment, and frustration. It’s a cycle that can be hard to break, especially when the need for external validation is so strong – and driven from a place deep inside you may feel you have no control of.
Your freedom as a woman depends on people pleasing
What? Yes. You have no freedom if you are a people pleaser. In relationships peppered with people pleasing behavior, you’re consistently giving away your personal power. You may feel it – even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Over time it might feel life you’re trapped in a cage, having to do things you don’t want to do but seeing no way out. This means your body might be in a constant state of reaction, tight and restricted, living on edge.
I discovered people pleasing meant I was walking AWAY from myself, towards others. As a result I felt unsupported, unloved, not important, lonely, because I wasn’t showing up for me – I was too preoccupied showing up for everyone else. I also learnt I had a hidden agreement operating unconsciously – something I set up as an unconscious belief from a very young age. IF I people please and keep others happy, others would look after and love me. It took me ages to see I rarely got back what I expected. My needs rarely felt fulfilled or resolved and if they were, it was very short lasting. I was often left with a big, uncomfortable feeling of being ripped off, or taken advantage of.
As a parent people pleasing meant:
I was driven by an unconscious need to keep everyone happy. There was an aspect of me so wanting to be accepted that even with my children, I people pleased – mind you I didn’t see it as that at the time. I would take emotional responsibility for my children, trying to keep them happy, fix their problems – this was people pleasing. I was incapable of setting effective boundaries as, on an unconscious level, I didn’t want to reject me. I wanted to feel safe, loved and accepted – even by my kids. I was rarely operating from my functional adult.
I would say ‘No’ to my kids but because saying ‘No’ activated a part of me that felt insecure, (aka my childhood wound) I would give a ‘gift’ of appeasement, saying yes to something else, to ease my feelings of insecurity. I found myself in this dynamic that felt terrible – powerless to create effective boundaries, feeling disrespected and second guessing my own decisions. This didn’t serve my kids either, because they had to take emotional responsibility – I kept letting them off the hook.
I never really held them accountable for certain behaviors or choices because I was trying to make it all nice and soft for them. Their Father was the opposite, hard, direct and aggressive. I wanted them to feel loved and cared for, so was ‘making up’ for his behaviour, which just added fuel to the dynamic I already had going on. I didn’t know that when I was in my authentic power, which is the realm of a whole and activated heart, my kids would feel my strength and a force that is NOT to be messed with. This power is an incredible source of clarity and self-assurance for me now, helping me find solutions to seemingly impossible problems.
As a partner, people pleasing undermines emotional intimacy
How do you think you might feel after years of pleasing a partner, sacrificing yourself, trying to make life happy for them? What value would you place on yourself after many years walking away from you to keep the peace? Over time, it’s very possible your sense of self-worth and self-esteem would be chipped away.
I didn’t notice the effect people pleasing had on my true sense of self – it had been eating away at my confidence and self value for years, little bit by little bit, until one day I woke up and realised I wasn’t happy and didn’t even remember who I was. I had convinced others I was a confident woman, I could put on a great show – but the truth was, anxiety and self-doubt gnawed away at me.
People pleasing is codependent
I had a lot of relationship dynamics operating just below the level of my conscious awareness. In fact, it wasn’t until I ended my marriage that I realized there was a completely different way of being in relationship that nobody ever taught me about. It was such a surprise to me! I wonder why THAT is not taught in our schools.
Imagine, young women knowing there’s an alternative to people pleasing, throwing themselves under a bus to be accepted, or being yes men! To know there is an alternative to handing away your power to get love or security would be a true gift.
People pleasing is perhaps one the most fundamentally disruptive patterns in our relationships that consistently undermines emotional intimacy, connection and deeply fulfilling love. On the flip side, shifting from people pleasing to self valuing, would completely transform, our families and communities.
People pleasers don’t make conscious, intentional choices or set healthy boundaries
I’m fairly easy going and rarely used to make conscious intentional choices, often neglecting my own wants. When asked what I wanted, I’d respond with ‘I’m easy’. I thought I didn’t really care. Others made decisions for me – I absented myself from the decision making process. In not making a definite decision on my own behalf I was undermining my self-esteem and sense of worth (affirming my unconscious belief that I was not worthy as per my childhood wound!). I was not showing myself that I was of value by those little actions. I started making conscious, deliberate choices and noticed by doing so I was making a powerful statement to myself. I was worth choosing for. This I found incredibly empowering.
People pleasing makes me a low priority – perhaps the lowest, neglecting my own needs.
Being a mother and a wife means you get very used to having to meet everybody’s needs first. Sometimes this happens for such a long time, without any conscious awareness, you may find yourself incredibly unfulfilled. Putting yourself last over time translates to a FEELING of being of little value.
I harboured persistent feelings of unsupported, unimportant, disrespected, not heard, not seen. Was it any wonder? I had set up a situation unconsciously in everybody else’s mind that I wasn’t a priority – because I wasn’t a priority in my own life.
It's a sticky spiders web a people pleaser finds herself in
People pleasing is like an intricate and extensive web of interactions and patterns that act as a preventative to personal freedom and long term contentment. This may induce feelings of overwhelm – like there’s no way through. Especially when you’ve done everything you can to understand it – you think you should be able to stop it – but feel defeated when you can’t.
What if all of those behaviours: people pleasing, acting from obligation, saying yes when you want to say no, saying no when you want to say yes, are just a manifestation of one thing deeper inside.
What if, these behaviours were the manifestation of a more serious underlying phenomenon?
Imagine approaching people pleasing from the inside-out
If people pleasing is what I think I need to do to feel accepted, loved, belonging, and secure, I have set up conditions on how I NEED to live in order to survive. When I am driven by these conditions, I set myself up for mental and emotional health issues – the pressure can become intense!
What if I could directly give myself feelings of acceptance, love, security and inclusion? Not having to get these from others creates a sense of freedom and relief. It also ends repetitive dynamics in relationships.
What’s natural is easy and expansive.
If I were in my natural state there would by definition, be no force, coercion, or strain. I am me – here in my wholeness, my fullness. That’s what natural means.
If I try to stop people pleasing behaviours without addressing the fundamental issue of the insecurities inside, I will always feel something is missing and be unconsciously trying to fill that gap. I people please to deal with feelings of not being enough, not feeling enough love or security. Why not just deal with the feelings themselves?
When you try to change the manifestation of feelings (which is people pleasing) you don’t actually resolve the issue itself. You’re not addressing the root cause of the problem. It’s the minds trickery. You think you people please to fix the feelings inside, but the people pleasing only adds to the problems inside. Then you feel worse about yourself and more out of control – its a never ending cycle that gets more emotionally painful over time. The WAY we try to fix our problems creates more problems.
This is exceptional news if you feel disheartened!
If people pleasing has had you feeling powerless, the good news is that you don’t need to keep trying to fix it. You simply need to start living more from your natural state of wholeness.
You are not a people pleaser.
No baby is born a people pleaser. This behaviour was added somewhere along the way, and repeated enough until you started to believe people pleasing was how you needed to relate.
What if you could just return to what was, before the behaviour started to embed itself? Back to when you were at ease, free and present, feeling whole and at peace – back to your natural state, your authentic self?
What to do with the fear?
Perhaps you might be aware of a rising fear in your body – what if you don’t keep them happy, do the thing that is expected of you? How can you return to that carefree state and really integrate it into a richer, fuller life, when you feel so anxious about how it might end up?
Fear is a dynamic
Fear is a pattern of the mind, used to keep us safe – but really what it does is hold you captive. Pay attention to how it feels constrictive in your body? Notice how the dynamics you experience in your life and relationships might feel like a cage – the body tightens inwards. Ask yourself, how free do you want to be? Then decide. You don’t have to do anything other than notice and be open to little changes – life will guide you. Life itself, wants you to expand and create more harmony because that is how nature works and we are an integral part of nature.
I feel expansive when I live from my true nature
When I’m in my authentic state and I speak my truth with love and kindness, there’s an expansive feeling. My body is kept in a constricted state (in reaction) when I people please. I’d encourage you to pay attention to your body – notice, does it feel constricted with this thought or action?
Notice when your body feels expansive. When you’re loving, affectionate, you’re in a state of creation. Each time you choose expansive thoughts you take back your emotional power and build your self esteem. You add to your inner strength and intuitive wisdom.
Change your state of being at your core and self love replaces people pleasing
I only had success changing my people pleasing behaviours when I changed what was happening in my own heart.
I felt into the feelings driving my behaviour, paying attention to my motive. This approach to my behaviour had a huge impact. I practiced changing my communication style, shifting my state into one of expansion before I spoke.
Little by little, I stopped putting myself in a position where I might unconsciously people please. I was ‘reading’ MY room. I kept an eye out for hidden agreements with others I was using to get an emotional need met. I investigated those emotional needs and then met them myself.
I consistently looked for the truth – if there’s a need I was expecting others to meet, then I was getting a payoff for people pleasing. I had to let it go of my investment in my behaviour.
Activate the full power of your heart and say good bye to people pleasing
If I’m in my head, feeling fearful, wanting security, to be liked and accepted, I am separate from my authentic power and so have to run behaviours that don’t serve me – and actually keep me trapped in a dynamic. When I focus on feeling more expansive, I’m adding to the empowerment of my heart. As my heart becomes fully activated in my life, I feel courageous, open and clear.
Living from my heart is living from my natural state.
Personal expression is powerful and there’s no need to run any co-dependent behaviour because the authentic state is one of felt connection and peace. Love is freely available so it no longer has to be traded through people pleasing.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
Recognizing and being willing to Change
The first step towards establishing healthy boundaries and overcoming people pleasing tendencies is taking responsibility for change. Acknowledge the negative consequences of people pleasing, such as burnout, strained relationships, decreased self-esteem and get honest about how ineffective people pleasing is to create a happier life for yourself. (If you want to). After all, has it ever worked the way you wanted?
People pleasing does not create healthier relationships and not prioritizing your own needs, just leaves you feeling worse than ever.
Think about the times you’ve felt overwhelmed, unappreciated, or taken for granted. These feelings are often the result of consistently putting others before yourself. You deserve to be treated with the same respect and care that you offer to others – so why don’t you choose that for yourself?
Strategies for Lasting Change
Lasting change happens when I understand myself well enough to see WHY I people please and love myself well enough to circuit break the behaviour by doing the opposite. This process builds self-awareness and assertiveness naturally, and the communication piece becomes a healthy practice within that. Here are some strategies to start making this important shift:
Identify where you people please: Take the time to recognize where and when you people please. Make notes – where am I not communicating clearly? where do I feel taken advantage of? Where did I abandon myself and/ or not speak up?
Prioritize self-care: Make self-valuing a non-negotiable part of your routine. Set your day up right – make time for yourself, engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Show yourself you are of value through your actions. Prioritizing yourself is not kind or unloving – it is a healthy practice and maintains well-being.
Set realistic expectations: Be realistic about what you can accomplish and commit to. Notice WHY you commit and say yes. Is it to be accepted? Is it so people think more highly of you? If you find it hard to say No, buy yourself some time. “Can I have a day to think about it and get back to you?” Again overcommitting, leads to stress, burnout and you don’t end up feeling so good about yourself either.
Practice authentic communication: The more you develop the relationship you have with yourself, the clearer your capacity to express your needs and feelings. If you feel emotionally charged up, give yourself some time to dissolve the charge by writing out your feelings BEFORE you communicate – you’ll get much better results.
Learn to say no: Practice saying no. Remember that saying no to others means saying yes to yourself. It’s a way of respecting your own needs and boundaries. Have you got a friend you could role play with? Make an agreement to say No to each other and celebrate each others No… that way you can get the hang of it with someone safe, before trying it out on others.
By implementing these strategies, you can begin to establish healthy boundaries, prioritize your own needs and develop more authentic and fulfilling relationships. It’s a journey towards self-love and empowerment, where you learn to value yourself as much as you value others.
Are ready to make the change? Join me for my next 21 day challenge, a journey to finding your WOW factor and unlocking the clarity and courage of your unique self.