I had the privilege of being invited into a men’s inner sanctum. Over a period of 5 weeks, I listened to, supported and probed a group of men who, had done a fair amount of inner work. They were curious about my perspectives and deeply considered my thoughts on love and dating. 2 of them were actively considering finding the right woman. What they shared with me deeply disturbed me. It reflected back to me a side of women, that I believe it might be time to confront and integrate. The ‘Yesman’.
This is what I heard them say (not in a judgemental way either, just matter of fact) … There’s no substance. The conversation only goes so deep and they seem to be agreeing with me to please me, or get me to like them. It’s too easy. They don’t have their own minds. There’s no backbone – they’re not solid.
Yes I was a people pleaser
I’m grimacing as I’m listening to these reflections, because I remember being a Yesman as a teenager. For some reason, probably because I had not been taught any differently, I thought pleasing a man equalled love. I slept with way too many men and was bitterly disappointed in the ensuing days to never receive a phone call. I didn’t realise at the time, this was more about me than them.
That was a long time ago for me, but I understand that dynamic. I recently worked with a female client who was on the other side of this equation. She was looking for a man she could feel deeply connected with, but discovered every time things moved into sexual intimacy, the man disappeared afterwards. I suggested she spend 6 months developing a friendship … now MY friends think 6 months is ridiculous, way too extreme and, well, maybe impossible. Laugh if you will, but hear me out. In 6 months you get to see the TRUTH about how people roll emotionally. Their personality will come out, waving the tell tale red flags (if they exist) and because you’re not sexually entangled, you’ll be able to take NOTICE and consciously decide if this is how you REALLY want to be loved. If you wait 6 months, commitment is developed slowly … you won’t have moved in with them. So again, if the red flags appear, you can watch and observe without the stakes being SO high you have to ignore what you see and pretend it doesn’t exist.
Unconscious patterns
When you don’t have sex, you get to work through the unconscious reasons that people have sex. After 6 months, for example, as a woman, it became apparent to me sex was a way of being validated. When you’re horny, and can’t immediately gratify the urge, you’ll notice the feelings underneath that you might normally skip over. You might observe feelings of insecurity and a need to be validated or assured. Had I had sex from those motives (the ones I didn’t know were driving my desires), the sex would be just sex. Sex, many of us weren’t taught, is very different when it’s driven by an unconscious wound. There are not enough words to describe the feeling potential for absolute pleasure you miss out on. 6 months allows you to build a deep sense of emotional intimacy with a person, so when you both show up in the bedroom it’s deeply authentic and loving – from a sense of giving and not needing. This launches you into the bliss dimension. Don’t just take my experience as a given – investigate for yourself!
For a man, building intimacy without sex develops the capacity to feel connected and close without having to have sex. For many men in our culture, sex is often the instrument of connection – and that creates a problem. Imagine how a man feels when his wife has a baby and she’s so exhausted meeting the baby’s needs she just has nothing left for sexual intimacy? Or when life stressors impact sexual libido in either partner – a man can be left feeling not valued, isolated and lost. The knock on from this is infidelity and that generates a whole new pandoras box of secrets and emotional pain and shame.
Six months is a great period of time to watch what comes up, talk about it and address it. The added bonus is that both partners FEEL emotionally intimate in the process. These are amazing foundations for a powerfully loving and connected relationship that expands into more ease and freedom – and of course great sex, that has the potential to just keep getting better.
Healthy relationships
But I digress. Back to my female client after I suggested she postpone the sex. “6 months?? There’s no way they’d stay around if I didn’t give them sex”. Which is my point, prioritising others needs and people pleasing rarely makes for a healthy lasting connection. Not spending enough time doing your research, rarely creates mutually empowering relationships. It often just creates dynamics.
I provide sex and you provide love, acceptance, intimacy. As long as I give you sex, I get my emotional needs met. Consider a relationship built on these foundations. Love is exchanged through sex. When love is not given, both partners are left feeling vulnerable and power exchanges occur regularly when one or the other, consciously or unconsciously, don’t uphold the agreement (sex for love).
The there are relationships built purely on sex. Sexual connection is how both partners feel of value. Easily given and taken away which leaves emotional turmoil. Compare that with emotional intimacy, which creates strong bonds of care and closeness alongside the empowerment that comes with personal responsibility, (which is a prerequisite for emotional intimacy).
And back to the men. 6 months. They laughed. Well it’s only a suggestion: to take enough time for all the moths to come out of the cupboard and build a relationship that has the capacity to evolve and co-create more love and intimacy over time.
“Ahhhh!” one of the guy’s exclaimed “So that’s been my problem! I’ve been getting into the cupboard with all the moths!”
Stay out of the cupboard my loves. Go for what your heart really wants (that might take investigation, trials and errors!). Decide how you want to be loved and love yourself enough to take the time and not settle for what you’re given.
Sending love,
Lisa x
Lisa Jayne specialises in activating Heart power by circuit breaking dynamics and developing foundations for deeply fulfilling, soul satisfying love in and out of relationship. She works with individuals, is a keynote speaker and author. You can read more about her at www.lisajayne.me or follow her on socials @iamlisajayne