No offence meant. I used to spend so much energy trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, why I couldn’t get ‘them’ to do what it was I thought they should be doing, to help me create a loving and kind relationship. Then there was the time post-relationship where I dreaded attracting the ‘same’ experiences, didn’t know how to trust myself, or couldn’t stop fearing a repeat of old situations I’d had with past partners. Aaargh!
I worked with a client who’d had 2 partners that financially sucked off her – she was so determined not to attract the same sort of person again. Specifically looking for someone who was financially secure and established. So she got her financially responsible man. Imagine the moment she had when she realized … “oh my God. I’m feeling the same feelings I felt in the last 2 relationships. I still feel unimportant – not valued. I still feel like he doesn’t really care about me, like I have to fight for his attention.” And as I did, she decided there was something wrong with her, she was powerless to rectify, because she didn’t actually know what that ‘something’ was!
This is where I’m going to get controversial.
You know Maslow and his theory of human needs? Suggesting we have to focus on the external world first and get that right and then work upwards from there … well, what if we flipped that triangle upside down and started with ourselves? What if we learnt an Evolutionary Emotional System that helped us progress emotionally, rather than repeat old patterns ad infinitum? What if, we knew how to access a state of inner power BEFORE we took any action or spoke any words? and what if this meant we didn’t have to strive or struggle, but could naturally create ease and a life we felt great in?
Imagine, I could be creating my next moment from a position of strength and wholeness, not from a platform of inadequacy, deficiency, feeling powerless. What do you think the outcomes might be? I’m going to say it, although you’ve probably already guessed. The outcomes are long lasting, high quality and innovative solutions that create more satisfaction and connection in my relationships.
I’m trying to make this sound simple, because it is.
By flipping the way I do my relationship to life, prioritizing my inner state and USING my feelings to activate deeper levels of empowerment, the relationships I have in my outside world almost instantly improve in quality. The disconnective system most of us have been programmed to participate in to address the uncomfortable feelings that arise in relationships, not only adds to the inner discomfort I feel, but stops me from making my inner state a priority. I’m so darn busy trying to make things better to get that relationship to work, that person to change, reach that goal, that I just don’t have time to stop and be with me. I’m stressed out trying to get somewhere I can never quite reach or make somewhere I’ve reached, better.
I’m going to tell you the TRUTH
Which I’m sorry to say your parents (not deliberately), culture, media has failed to do. You will get what you want when you connect to yourself first and stop trying to make people, places and things in your life responsible for how you feel. Madness, I know. Controversial? Definitely. Normal, no. Natural, yes. The good news is, there’s a system for that and you’re not alone. You get to be with you, the true you – which is a pretty powerful state. Start observing where you are in a dynamic of relationship, (because this is where you are NOT in true relationship) by paying attention to the feelings of blame, judgement, frustration, powerlessness. Then look at what other feelings may be festering away underneath and driving that dynamic. That’s where the gold is. And if you’re ready to act now, there’s a 90 day pilot program where you can learn a new system for relationship, and for the next 24 hours, you can join for a once off early adopters price of AU$299.
Jump. Not into your head. Into your heart.